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3 days ago

I didn't realise how much a weight I was carrying until I let go of shame and guilt. Guilt for arguing with my mum in the months before she died. Guilt for being angry at her for dying. Guilt for not loving my baby straight away. Guilt for loving the second one instantly. Guilt for working while they were little. [ 203 more words ]
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Join THRIVE! - Annika Spalding

I didn’t realise how much a weight I was carrying until I let go of shame and guilt. Guilt for arguing with my mum in the months before she died. Guilt for being angry at her for dying. Guilt for no...

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Annika Spalding

3 days ago

I didn't realise how much a weight I was carrying until I let go of shame and guilt.

Guilt for arguing with my mum in the months before she died.

Guilt for being angry at her for dying.

Guilt for being manipulated into having an abortion.

Guilt for having a baby two years later.

Guilt for not loving my baby straight away.

Guilt for loving the second one instantly.

Guilt for working while they were little.

Guilt for splitting up with their dad.

Guilt for quitting work to study.

Guilt for not being able to afford expensive Christmas presents.

Guilt for dating again.

Guilt for enjoying myself in the absence of my children.

Guilt for having a life.

Guilt for being happy.

And the shame was an added "bonus". But I've listened to countless Brené Brown talks. I've hyperventilated while telling a counsellor about rape. I've pushed myself to tell my partner about my past (I was convinced he wouldn't love me if he knew, but that was anxiety telling me lies). I've apologised to friends for my funky energy and expressed how much I needed change. I've finally written my story into a manuscript. I've stood up to the narcissist. I've identified and let go of bad habits. I told my manager about my mental health. I've cried when I've needed to. I've cancelled plans with others. I've kept promises to myself.

And while I am by no means a perfect person, or someone who has even half of their shit together, I am trying my best to heal.

And it's not even that I'm sad or my life now is shit, because that is far from the truth.

But my Inner Child suffered in silence for years, suffocated with shame, frozen out with guilt, and I'm doing what I can to give her the love she's needed all this time.

Shame doesn't live here anymore ❤ ... See MoreSee Less

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Annika Spalding

4 days ago

It's #MentalHealthAwareness Week ❤

I've been on anti depressants again for almost a year now, my dosage increasing from 50 mg to 100mg last month.

The medication, combined with the intense counselling I had in December, has made a huge difference to my life.

And that's what it's about, really. Quality of life.

MEMO:

Asking for help doesn't mean you're weak.

Asking for counselling doesn't mean you've failed.

Asking for anti depressants doesn't mean you've let yourself down.

Cutting off toxic people doesn't make you a bad person.

Creating and enforcing new boundaries doesn't make you a bitch.

Living with anxiety and depression doesn't mean you don't have a positive outlook.

Living with anxiety and depression doesn't mean you don't have the skills or knowledge to progress in life.

Living a good life doesn't mean you never experienced trauma.

A smile doesn't indicate happiness.

Not posting about it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

How you manage your mental health is all of your business.

I thought twice about posting this image and sharing this much, because I didn't want anyone to think badly of me.

But for all the messages I receive from people who relate to my journey, who thank me for voicing what they're too scared to, for owning my battles and sharing the scars, it will always be worth it.

IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.

Some people go to the gym, adjust their diet, go to therapy, take up running, paint, write, talk... there are many ways of managing your emotions and plenty of help out there when our normal outlet stops working.

IT IS OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP. ... See MoreSee Less

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